clearing my head..

i've always been the type of person that sorts jumbled thoughts via writing.. this is no exception..

being pregnant for the last 24+ weeks has been nothing short of amazing.. of course there have been moments of discomfort.. times when i look in the mirror and hardly recognize myself.. but all in all.. being pregnant has put me in tune with my body and made me very conscious of how unbelievable creating life, inside of me, really is.. i have always been on the heavier side.. have struggled with my weight for my entire life (we can exclude my first three months on this planet.. but from then on.. my pediatrician literally asked my mom to put me on a diet.. maybe he was on to something?).. but now that i am pregnant, it's changed.. i see my body differently - maybe i even respect it more.. i don't know if that makes any sense.. but when my biggest worry used to be what size i would fit into next time i shopped.. now i am just thrilled with my belly.. oddly enough.. there are days where you can't even tell there's a baby in there.. it may just look like some extra fat.. but i know what's in there.. i know she's in there and that my belly and my body in general are keeping my little girl safe..

along with all the joys.. excitement and "awesomeness" of pregnancy.. comes fear.. an unlimited amount of fear.. i pride myself on being a curious person, so i spend a good amount of time researching, reading and talking to other mamas.. in general, i like to be in control of situations.. i am not very comfortable with the unknown though i have taken many steps in my life completely blind.. i've been lucky, in all honesty.. but this whole pregnancy.. childbirth.. raising a human.. that's a whole other topic.. i am not going to get into all the thoughts that run through my mind.. there's really no need to get into that.. i am sure that every single mother out there has her own set of fears that i don't need to add to.. but just last week we started a childbirth class.. we went around the room, introduced ourselves and gave our due dates.. the instructor then asked us how we felt about actual labor.. i was honest.. i said "terrified".. because i am.. that's not to say i don't think i can do it - i KNOW i can.. but it's an extremely daunting situation.. the instructor seemed completely taken aback by my answer.. which, personally i find shocking.. of course i'm excited.. but i am also terrified.. there are a million things that i can read about every single day.. but until i'm in there.. and it's my time.. i have no real idea of what to expect.. maybe this isn't terrifying for the rest of the ladies in the class.. but it is to me.. they are all due in the next month or two (whereas we have till october).. and according to their responses.. they haven't had the time to think about labor.. is that possible?? you're due in a few weeks and you haven't thought about it?? i mean.. maybe they just cope with it that way.. but i would rather be as informed as possible once it's time to meet my baby..

when i started this blog, i just wanted to document this pregnancy.. something that i can show our baby once she's old enough to read.. something that i can look back on years from now.. in an ideal world.. i'd like to keep this going... you know.. something she can always look back on.. i may forget some of the stuff she did later.. but if i document it here, we will have a record.. and how awesome would that be? as i've been writing this post, i've been going back and forth in my mind about how much i can share on here.. i want this to be a forum where women can discuss how they feel.. it's not just a feel-good blog.. this is life afterall.. and sometimes, it gets ugly..

a few months ago i found out that one of my friends from college was pregnant and she was due this week.. considering no one else i know is pregnant right now, we've been spending a lot of time bbm'ing one another about how it's going and how we feel.. it's been great having someone to talk to that's been through it so recently.. with her being 3 months ahead of me, she was great with all the baby advice.. and body advice.. and so on.. her last status update mentioned how they were anxiously awaiting the birth of their baby boy.. that was about 4 days ago.. i wanted to give her some time.. you know, just in case they were in the hospital and all that.. so today i messaged her.. you know.. a message full of exclamation points and smiley faces.. i mean.. she's having a baby.. of course that's the kind of message i'd send.. a few minutes later she texted back.. her baby boy was born on the 17th.. he did not make it past the delivery room.. to say the least, i had no idea what to say.. this is a great girl.. married to a man who loves her.. their last few months have been planned around this baby boy.. and now this..

i am not writing this to depress anyone or to start some sort of panic.. but this was my friend's situation.. it's 2010 and complications during delivery still happen.. unfortunately.. the reason i am sharing this is because even though they were only a "mama and daddy" for a few seconds.. i can already see how it's changed her.. through all her grief.. she asked me about my baby.. "how's your little princess" she asked.. she followed that with saying that her and her husband were going to pull each other through this and that she knew her little boy would watch over them.. as we were ending our conversation, she asked me to say hello to my baby... i put my hand on my belly.. letting her know i was there.. and i swear i felt movement.. i haven't (officially) felt her kick yet.. but at that moment.. i could have sworn she was letting me know she was there.. like she knew i needed her to show me..

xo -
cuppy